A Test of My Will

This semester has been very difficult. Perfectionist that I am when it comes to school work, I have had to work extra hard to make the grades I want to have. Sometimes, I think I should maybe settle for less than perfect when it comes to this stuff, but that little voice in my head keeps telling me I can do better. Thanks, Mom and Dad! haha

I'm really loving seminary. It has its hard times, but I feel that I'm beginning to understand so much better and grow closer to God, while still feeling how distant God is at times. I know that sounds weird, but it's kinda like Moses when he was only allowed to see where God had been rather than look directly into God's face. Catching a glimpse of the very nature of existence would be far too much for me to handle. I realize how many things are simply out of my control, and that can lead to feelings of helplessness and depression. On the other hand, I can sense just how near God is that it's scary at times. When I think of Jesus, I think of how short I fall from where He would have me, and this can also lead to feelings of helplessness and depression.

But I am learning to cling to the promises that God loves me dearly, just as much as He loves everyone else. The closest I can speak of this love in human terms is the love I feel from/for Amber, my parents, and my siblings. Even so, this human love is nowhere near perfect, though I am still amazed by the grace I've been shown from these people. But the grace that comes from the heart of God is incomprehensible. I am a fearful human, and that keeps me from taking part and being an agent in this grace. I cling to my addictions like eating, TV, wasting time on the Internet, and I act like these things will really give me life. How much disappointment does it take to change course?

Thank God for the examples I have had in my life of those who have been faithful and given me license to pursue this calling on my life. I can't express the gratitude that is welling up inside me as I write. You are all loved dearly!